It’s Always Cloudy In Chicago
Like Laguna Beach on crack…Archive for Uncategorized
Lily Apologizes (And Laughs A Little In The Process)
So, here’s the deal, guys. Saturday night, on my train home from the parents’ house, your own darling Lily got tanked beyond belief. Whoever thought it was a good idea to keep serving her those tiny little vodka bottles should be taken out back and shot.
But, yeah. So, that happened. And I, in true form, got a little melancholy. It was a long train ride alone, I was drunk, I missed Christian, blah blah blah. So, I typed… and typed and typed… and came up with what you saw up here two days ago.
Well, I went back. I realized that even for me, and even for my crazy inability to not divulge private matters to the world, that this was a bit too private. I took it down. For those of you who did have to be subjected to it, I apologize. Seriously. I get out of hand, and that’s what comes out.
I sobered up, and I’m okay now. Audrey is putting me on a sober December… we can smoke, but no getting drunk or drug usage, which is the best idea I’ve heard in ages.
Thanksgiving was fun… we had family in from a couple different places (including some quasi-family I had never met before), and your resident vegetarian spent her time mowing on cranberry sauce, potatoes, and pumpkin pie. Friday I spent with Carrie and did the best thing ever.
I went into my old work at home, the place I return to every break and summer time to get treated like a piece of meat while serving the same to assholes who tip poorly, and let them know I would not be returning.
Ever.
And I did this with a Ketel One Diet with lime. It was brilliant.
The Dynamic Duo Meet Their Match
Why was this weekend so lovely, you might ask?
We spent it with our favorite SOVA! Audrey and I have been looking forward to this weekend for quite a while now. I bailed on a bunch of classes (and tutoring… thanks guys.) to see my favorite Californian, and in my very humble opinion, we had a lovely time. Thursday was spent in a binge drinking (and for SOVA and me, binge eating. Okay, maybe that was more just me.) haze, as well as some deep chatting between us. Probably too deep. Granted, it was needed, but still. No sleep all night, just hanging out, chatting, getting fucked up, and enjoying the wonders of Wii bowling. Audrey passed out early (by early, I mean about 4 am.) and we woke her up two and a half hours later so she could go home.
Friday, slightly less refreshed and lacking sleep, SOVA and I were Audrey-less. (It was her mommy’s b-day. She’s such a cute little daughter!) We spent it in a lovely Italian trattoria for dinner, a little more of Wii (I swear, I’m addicted to it) and, drumroll please…
the BEST concert ever!
We went and saw a personal favorite, Say Hi (formerly Say Hi To Your Mom) who played with The A-Sides and The Velvet Teen. As I expected, and very much hoped, Say Hi blew me out of the water. They played tons and tons of new stuff, as well as some older things, including practically all of my favorites. It was like heaven, only better, sweatier, and with more booze. Velvet Teen was mediocre… nothing horrible, just too bassed out. A-Sides were throughly enjoyable for me, though. A bit twangy, and totally up my alley. I spent the end of the concert standing up at the edge of Subterranean’s stage, jumping around as if I had rhythm. Which I don’t. So, it was probably hilarious. I got to have a chat with Eric, as Say Hi is essentially just him and a touring band, and just stare (and most likely drool) while soaking up his awesomeness. I was ridiculously starstruck, and it was great.
Saturday night was supposed to be Do Make Say Think, but I think I died. After work, I collapsed from exhaustion, and woke up just long enough to determine that there was no way I would be able to get off my couch long enough to put pants on and head out to Lincoln Park. This I now regret, as SOVA left early to attend to some personal matters, and I didn’t get to see him again. Totally blew, if you ask me, but I certainly understand. Remember that, punk.
But, if I remember correctly, Audrey got to see SOVA on Saturday. I bet she’ll have a better story for that night, since all I saw was the insides of my eyelids.
Lily Dies From Exhaustion
I think I’ve slept about nine hours in the past three days. That, combined with drinking copious amounts of alcohol, is a recipe for physical exhaustion. I don’t think there are enough drugs in the world to fix this.
None as good as just plain sleeping, at least.
Friday: Coked Out Lindsay Lohan. So far, my favorite. I am a huge fan of using flour as a tool to pretend to look like I just snorted a bunch of blow. Plus, Audrey was just following me around, snapping pictures of me when i was mid-blink, etc. Pretty hilarious, however not the most attractive of looks 90% of the time.
Saturday: 20’s Flapper. Which would’ve been awesome except for the fact that when we got to the party, all the MGs kept saying I looked like Christina Aguilera. And then, as Audrey and I were leaving the party, I realized that I bore a striking resemblance to Olivia Newton-John in Grease. Stupid fucking platinum wig. Nevertheless, the two of us hit the bars, flirted, danced (I met this adorable guy dressed up as a nerd who I made fun of all night for trying to kiss me about fourteen times, and the fact he was in law school. Law school is for dorks.), and went home… at three am.
Flash to Sunday, where I have to wake up at 5:30 (still drunk, mind you) and work. I hate work. I hate not sleeping. I go home, and three cheers for best friends being in town (she decided to only stay one night, since we’re pretty sure her car’s going to get towed.). We went out to Lincoln Park last night and got obliterated. Like, seriously obliterated…. to the point that Audrey and my BF were in an alley, taking a piss, while I sat back and giggled. If by sat back you mean shook your head in disgust and by giggled you mean complained about how you had to pee but you were too hoity-toity to pee in an alley.
And now, I am up once more, four hours of sleep last night, and headed to work before going to see my darling shrink. Should be home around six or so, at which point I may or may not pass the fuck out on my couch watching CSI: Miami. That David Caruso just makes me so happy.
Oh, the life I lead.
The Dynamic Duo Get Lazy
We’ve probably been smoking too much. But we’ll be back soon, I promise. It’s bound to be an interesting night… off to “John Cusack’s” Birthday Party, then wandering around Lincoln Park. And with the way we are, hilarity will definitely ensue.
And Audrey still has a pretty fucking sweet story to tell you about getting molested by lesbians. Lots of lesbians. While I stayed home like the cute little housewife I am, making lamb, artichokes and goat cheese brown rice for my roommate. Which reminds me, I really need to buy a cute lacy apron for when the boyfriend comes. Nothing says love like a mostly naked girlfriend cooking steak for you while you’re watching college football. Nothing even comes close.
Smile.
The Dynamic Duo Begin A Neverending Quest For Illicit Drugs (Part One)
Pretty self explanatory. Doesn’t anyone sell pot in this god damn city? And, I realize the hypocrisy but seriously though, there are no reliable drug dealers.
Here we are, wanting to give people our not-so-hard-earned money, and no one is here to take it. Ugh. Audrey will even exchange sexual favors (it’s her way) for some green. It’s the American way, damn it (angry fist shaking inserted here).
We were sitting around, grabbing some snacks. It was casual Monday ’round these parts, as there were no classes for me and few for Audrey (Though, did she go to them all? Actually, for the first time, yes.). We were discussing why Audrey didn’t want to go on a date with Cusack (one of the many prospects)… and she was acting in accordance to this. No shower, sweatshirt, uncombed hair, and a U of Kentucky hat (and I’m the one who likes sports. Audrey watches enough to hold decent bar conversation… and to spite lovers of USC football).
“I should be going on this date drunk.”
“That’s a possib…”
“Nay! Stoned!”
“Brilliant! Call Charlie.”
And so we did. Charlie is our sweet, lovable, pot smoking main gay. But despite the copious amounts of pot he smokes, he couldn’t get a hold of anyone who had any. No one was holding? What kind of world is this?
We went back to my apartment, as it’s the closest to any possibilities we have. And that’s where we are now… lounging my fucking apartment, waiting for our unreliable stoner friends to get in contact with us. Audrey has to be out of here by 7:30…. yes, an hour and a half. If you have pot, let us know. We may be willing to part with something you’d like.
The Dynamic Duo Forego Introducing Themselves in Favor of Mocking Others
Like our about says, we are sort of party girls. We are a discerning pair though, and last night was no exception. Wandering in and around our usual watering hole, we had what can be easily considered an average night. It was pretty boring and low key… for us at least. So, I’ll make the rounds. Here are the guys we encountered last night:
The “Oh my god, we were in preschool together!” Asshole: This guy thought it was a great idea to begin a conversation with me by grabbing my arm as Audrey and I were making the rounds of the bar looking for a section with more cute guys than the one we were in. He started shouting, “Amanda? Oh my god, is that you?” This obviously led me to think that he was a jackass, (or slightly mentally handicapped) and I smiled a little bit and reassured him that I was not, nor would I ever be, his “Amanda”. He, trying to play it off as if he wasn’t just trying to pick me up, offers to take us to the bar, buys us shots, and tries to convince us to go to a different bar with him paying for the cab, and all drinks we could stomach.
Yeah, that’s logical. We accepted the drink, played a little good cop, bad cop (guess who got to be the bad cop?) and sent him on his way. One down and we still weren’t even one drink in.
The Mystery Devotee: This guy, I have to say, was a bit more daring. Or stupid. Either way. Audrey was up at the bar, attempting to hit on this guy she thought was cute and passed my not-so-rigorous testing of attractiveness (“Well, I’m only one drink in and he’s a 7.5. Think of how cute he’ll be in an hour!”). I was casually lounging against the far wall, nonchalantly bobbing my head to the music, sipping the dredges of my Ketel. This guy comes up, starts talking to me, and to be perfectly honest, I’m not paying attention. I’m observing Audrey, and nodding my head in agreement every once in a while… I know he’s from Michigan, but that’s about it. Audrey bails on bar boy, and heads on over, to which this guy here responds with, “Introduce me to your friend, it’s the polite thing to do.”
If you don’t get it, look it up. I, however, got it, and fell to the floor convulsing with laughter. He knew then to walk away.
Of course, he came back later, while Audrey was on the dance floor with the guy who will be mentioned next. I informed him that unlike the lovely girls that line may have worked on prior to tonight, I don’t live in a cave that doesn’t receive VH1. He responds with a pathetic excuse along the lines of, “I thought girls didn’t watch that show!” I told him about my boyfriend. He used the tired line, something about what he doesn’t know, etc. I pretended to receive a text and walked away. He deserved it.
He did get a bonus point for saying that it’s hard for guys to come up to girls who look like me. Still a huge strike out though. Huge.
Blazer Dude: This one was almost a winner. I say almost because he was, by far, the closest to scoring something with either of us, but still had an equally humorous failure. Audrey will tell this one better.
(Thanks, Lily) As we examine the perimeter of what, I guess, you can call our usual stomping ground, we made our way to the dance floor. At this point, we’ve both had a few to drink and with the little buzz we had, we felt the urge to shake it a little and check out the boys. Since I was only window watching, Lily felt that it was necessary to push me into any boy that caught my attention… pretty hard. To her dismay, I would just return to her all flustered. Call me old-fashioned, but I am not one to go up to random boys and start conversations; I leave that up to the boy and just keep myself available. Lily is the starter and I ABC (always be closing–hollar).
Anywho, while Lily and I are dancing, I point out that this white kid who knew the entire “Crank That Soldier Boy” dance is kind of cute (which, in hindsight, should have been a big fat warning sign of what was to come). Naturally, Lily starts shoving me in that direction. Thankfully, she didn’t have to push too far because that dude (who was donning a blazer…hence the name, “Blazer Dude”) was already walking toward us. So Blazer Dude starts to dance with me and it’s cool… nothing crazy and then BAM! Blazer Dude just starts busting out like Ardy Party Style–he was totally flailing his arms and doing the Ardy dance. And then BAM! Homeboy totally jacked me in the face with his crazy dancing–totally square in the nose.
I let it slide because we were both drunk and stuff like that happens. Whatev. It was cool. He was still kind of cute so I kept dancing with him—just turned around so that I wasn’t facing him anymore just in case he decided to have another spaz attack. I was a little bit scared… not going to lie. We get closer and he’s hugging me from behind and he whispers in my ear. Well, golly gee, Audrey, what did Blazer Dude say? Was he whispering sweet nothings in your ear? Well, I’ll tell you. He was not whispering sweet nothings in my ear. He was whispering in my ear to tell me that he was getting a hard on from dancing with me. I know, how frickin’ romantic. Despite this, I keep dancing with him. Why? Probably because I thought it was hilarious since I had a pretty sweet buzz going.
And then BAM! Blazer dude started seizuring dancing ridiculously again and totally jacked me square in the face AGAIN. At this point, I texted Lily about her whereabouts and proceeded to go in that direction. We ended up meeting up with “Harvey Dent” (who will be discussed in future blogs) at a different bar and hung out with him for a little bit and I was a little more than slightly inebriated by the end of the night. After a few more awkward situations, we parted ways in the wee hours of the night.
By morning, I am woken up by the text messages and what not. Ass up and still in last night’s get up (perhaps still moderately drunk as well), I noticed that my face was hurt. I thought Gee, this is strange. Why would my face hurt if I was hung over? I immediately called my hetero-lifemate to figure out what had happened to me (considering the amount of alcohol I consumed, I find that I am always trying to piece together my nights–that’s why it’s good to go out with someone that would remember).Unfortunately, Lily had absolutely no clue as to what could have happened to me. And then BAM! I remembered. It was that son-of-a-bitch, Blazer Dude! I didn’t realize how hard I got hit in the face until I was sobering up in the morning.
And yes, the nose still hurts now. Stupid Blazer Dude. Lesson: Don’t dance with drunk dudes in blazers–they may jack you in the face and you will probably be too drunk to realize you have a deviated septum until your in agonizing pain the next morning… hung over.
