I saw you with her dear.You tried to hide away. She left through the back door. You always had your secret ways. I acted so serene. I was so drowsy then. My fault. I’m so careless. I gave you one too many pills. My oh my. My alibi. Restore my fate in these. Words so clear. My failure dear. Lies tucked away in me. You wanted to play this game. I’ll play it too. Come here baby I will show you what this girl can do. A mattress for a coffin suites you very fine. You’ll feel me with my others as you’re sewn under the seams. - “Cardigan Weather” by Meg & Dia

This is probably my favorite song of the moment and yes, I am getting a little sentimental. WARNING: This may be the only time that you will ever witness Audrey get a little emo… so get the Kleenex because the eyeliner is going to smudge. This weekend was a little rough for me (granted… it probably didn’t seem that way). It was E-day this weekend (I’m not going to say what the E stands for, but just know that it isn’t anything good and why I commemorated this day is beyond me). It was pretty much the ex’s and my anniversary.

I finally got the nerve to rid myself of the ex factor–got a new phone (his number not included and none of his saved text messages); literally threw out all of his clothes (except the two that I sold and got a pretty sweet hat);  burnt everything he ever bought me which included flowers and stuffed animals (FYI: teddy bears don’t take to fire easily) and every picture we ever took. As far as, he is concerned, he was never in my life (that is actually much easier to say because for some reason it’s easy for me to lie about it). I started the fire in my bathroom. My roommate wasn’t too pleased. I think that it still smells like burning in my apartment right this second. I’m sure she will look back on it and laugh… maybe not today, but one day.

And it did make me feel better to cut him out of my life for the final time (because it was a very long arduous process), but that feeling of redemption over him was definitely short-lived. Maybe it is because I sobered up or maybe it’s because I was still drunk and thinking (which usually isn’t the best of combinations). But I have a feeling it was because I went lurking (and I know that is super creepy and borderline obsessive, but trust me for some reason all girls do it). For some reason, I just wanted to see if he still had the e-mails from when we were dating saved and part of me was glad he did. For a second, I thought, well, I’m glad I still cross his mind from time to time.

And then I kept going and I found out more than I probably needed to know. I know that I set myself up for that and I fully admit that it was 100% my fault. But I really didn’t need to see pictures of his new girlfriend and him. And I didn’t need to read about how he happy he was. (AGAIN, I’m fully aware that I was the one lurking). I am a happy person. I am pretty content with the life that I am leading and all that malarkey,  but I think it is just knowing that he is happier than me and with someone else–that is what is killing me.

And I think that the only thing that is really bothering me about him being with someone else is that I am so much prettier than her. I know. I know. That is not a reason to get all riled up and I know that looks aren’t everything and I’m sure that she has a sparkling personality. I’m totally sounding super vain right now… But COME ON! I am so much hotter than she is. I’m smart. I’m funny. I can quote man movies out the wha-zoo. I don’t cry during chick flicks because I don’t watch them.  I’m into guy things. I’m not saying that I am perfect, but I am was the closest to it that he could ever get.  It’s sad because had she been prettier, I would have bitched still, but I probably would have taken it with a grain of salt and accepted it because he upgraded. But no, it was a total downgrade and I am completely perplexed by the whole situation.

So on E-Day I drank and I drank and I drank some more. I think that I drank for a good 12 hours met up with a number of different cohorts to celebrate this momentous occasion. SOVA was in town, so I gladly met up with him for a few rounds. We got pretty belligerent and pretty much got kicked out of a bar at like 1 in the afternoon for beating up on each other. We brought political incorrectness to the streets until he got tired and went home, while I met up with Ana and some of the gang from high school.

Guess what we did? That’s right we drank and drank til we couldn’t drink anymore. It was pretty silly. I think at one point I passed out on the bar floor, which was pretty amusing to my friends, not so much to the bouncers. Needless to say we left and got food and I threw up all the way home. It was pretty righteous.

And I have come to this unbelievable revelation, which I kind of knew from the beginning, but I’m going to go ahead and state the obvious. Even though I may think that I lost “the one” (because I was pretty set on marrying this ex), I have the best people in my life right now–hands down, the best friends a girl can ask for. Between Lily and SOVA and Ana and Alyssa and Karly… right now, I don’t think I need anyone else. And I know that I am perfectly content with that. Even though I will bitch about the current flavor of the week and boy melodrama, these people that were there for me this weekend are definitely the constants that I need and that I’m so happy to have.

And, yes, I am done being emo. And no, Lily, I did not get the word “fuck” tattooed on my body. You have to be out of your mind to think that I would actually do that. I’m looking forward to the weekend. Gretchen is coming to visit on Friday and re-celebrate my birthday since she wasn’t around. And my two counterparts, Alyssa and Karly (I probably couldn’t live without them) will be home this weekend. I’m stoked.

Again, I apologize for the emo rant. Let’s never speak of this moment again. Kisses.