Oh, Halloween, how I love thee…

Last night was awesome. I wore my high school uniform– which I was pretty stoked that it fit much better than it did in high school (did I mention I went to Catholic school? I did. That’s where I think I got my fascination with plaid). The skirt was way short. I can’t believe I got away with wearing this at sixteen. I mean, I can, but the reasoning behind it is so wrong. I had the only authentic Catholic school girl outfit, I think, out of any of the five places I went to.

P.J. couldn’t believe I wore this outfit to school all the time either. I started out the night with him and his boyfriend, who was a fierce French maid, and their gay posse. We were dressed and drunk by like six o’clock. It was pretty awesome. Then we went to the parade on Halsted, I believe. The costumes were amazing, as usual. There were Spartans and I fell in love. These Spartans were cut and definitely better looking than any straight Spartan. Why are all the hot ones gay? All in all, the parade was fabulous, but it ended relatively early. It was just passed seven and we need booze stat.

So what would three guys dressed in drag, a Catholic school girl, and a pirate do? ANSWER: Go to 7-11, buy forties and wander Boys own aimlessly. Did I mention we all took turns peeing in alleys? Because we did and it was hot! I, being the only real girl in the group, could not finish her forty. So I gave him the rest of my forty, which by that time was then a twenty, to some random homeless man. Good deed for the day, yeah, I know. Yay me!

Once we finished, we went to Circuit so P.J.’s boyfriend could enter the drag contest because bitch was fierce. I don’t know if he won because P.J. wanted to leave because he was tired and I went to go meet up with Ana and her boyfriend. It still boggles my mind whenever I go to gay bars because it doesn’t register that all these boys like other boys. I know that is what a gay bar is, but I’m just saying it’s weird going to a bar and not getting hit on. So off to the straight bar I went.

First stop, Lincoln Park’s Beaumont. I thought that this would be a good idea since I went there with Goggles the other night and it was a shit ton of fun. I guess it’s just not fun on Wednesdays. We got over it real quick and went to Buzz.

We went to Buzz to meet some of Ana’s friends. We had no idea that it was salsa night, so we kind of looked like we didn’t fit in. Also, every guy that hit on was old enough to be our fathers. In the entire bar, I think that there was one good looking man, but he definitely had a girlfriend. We had a bar minimum here, so we had to drink until we could close our tabs, and that we did. They don’t mess around at this bar. The drinks were ridiculously strong; so we left with a pretty sweet buzz (no pun intended).

Next stop: Soundbar. This place was more our style: beautiful young people, great music, and more booze! It was almost midnight and I had not seen any prospects all night. So walking in, I unbuttoned my shirt to show off my lingerie because I was totally ready to slut it up. We settle into VIP (because that’s how we roll) and then to the bar.

I probably shouldn’t have drank anymore, but Ana and her boyfriend insisted. They bought a round of shots and a drink for each of us. I decide to peruse the bar solo since the two lovebirds were making eyes at each other.

I just happened to be stopped by this rather attractive man who just so happened to have a striking resemblance to Channing Tatum. We get to talking and I find out that he’s from Scotland, which explained the accent (HOT!). I also find out that he is a boxer (HOTTER!). He’s so Brad Pitt from Snatch if he were in Fight Club. But, alas, the bathroom was calling. He was cute and all, but I prefer it that he wasn’t covered in vom. I grab Ana and we make way for the bathroom.

We get back to the VIP room and start dancing. As we are dancing, I try to spot Scotland (or my Scottish boyfriend, as I was lovingly calling him), but no luck. Before, I knew it, it was SHOT TIME! I joined everyone at the bar, but I had to take a pass so I stood on the sideline. Then some guy (who was by no means attractive) came up to me and started talking to me.

He was dressed as a mad scientist, mind you and with two other Asian guys. Want to go out to dinner with me sometime? No. Why not? Do you have a boyfriend? Yup (when obviously I don’t). Is he around here? Yes (even though he didn’t exist). Do you like him? Uh… yeah (by this point I was just pretending Goggles was my boyfriend—I mean, we pretend that he is when he is around, why not now?). How long have you been dating? Like 3 weeks (that’s how long I’ve like Goggles). The Mad Scientist and his friends start laughing. Seriously, you like you boyfriend? Yes. Is he white? I don’t know why that matters, but yes. Does he have a big penis or something? I don’t see ho—I have a little penis and the ladies love it. I left because I was pretty sure that was my cue to exit.

I walked away and I ran into none other than, Scotland. I told him what happened and he pretended to play along. The guys saw and they started hitting on some other poor girl. Scotland and I went out to the dance floor. We didn’t dance much. After like two minutes (new record), he had  hhis tongue down my throat. He had me up against the wall and it was getting way passed PG-13 real fast. I toldim to follow me to the VIP since there were couches. I felt like Mystery.

Scotland and I continued to get a little down and dirty. Safe to say, we ended up making out all night. My friends took pictures of us (I later found out) making out amongst other awkward things. I didn’t care. I was pretty tanked. I guess in the midst of it all, Scotland lost his phone. We looked for it for a little bit, but making out got the better of us.

The weird thing is that even though I liked kissing Scotland (I’m a big fan of the making out), I had an epiphany. I was thinking about Goggles and how much I liked him. That was a first for me. Here I am plastered, making out with this beautiful piece of man candy, and I’m thinking about Goggles? I think I know why, I just don’t want to admit it yet.

Not too long after, it was that time again—time to stumble home. Scotland took my number old school on a bar napkin since he couldn’t find his phone and told me that he was leaving on the fourth. I didn’t really care he was pretty and I probably wasn’t going to see him again. Ana, her boyfriend and I peace the spork out.

On the way out, Ana’s boyfriend hands me a phone and tells me that he thinks this is mine. I put two and two together. Oh. My. God. That is Scotland’s phone. We have to give it back. Ana’s boyfriend did not feel the same way. He said that if no one claimed it by tomorrow, he was going to smash it. I told him that no one could claim it if he had it. And that’s when I realized I really wasn’t going to get a call from Scotland. Thanks, man, way to look out.

Ana and her man were supposed to sleep over at my place, but opted to take a cab all the way back to the suburbs. I didn’t have any cash on me and it was getting to the point where it was too cold to walk to the el. I call Charlie, since he lives near by the bar, to see if I can crash, he’s asleep. We walk around for a little bit until Ana stops a Range Rover. Now, Ana is as drunk, maybe drunker than I am. She is talking to two random guys in a Range Rover. Her boyfriend and I were freaking out. She waves for us to get into the car, stupidly we follow.

Now, I don’t know if he really was Jazzy Faye (famous music producer), but that’s how he introduced himself and his friend was named Tyson. To understand how drunk Ana was, here’s an example. She was calling these two gentlemen Jazzy Jeff and Tyson Chicken. Thankfully, they still took us to the el stop. I bid adieu to Ana and her boyfriend and get on the train home.

Sitting there, I realize how drunk I am and just zone out. Then some random man smoking a cigarette comes up to me and sits down. He starts to hit on me. He asks if I had a boyfriend and if I was faithful to him and all that stuff. Of course, I pretended that Goggles was my boyfriend and I tell him I like him very much and I would never be unfaithful to him. The man proceeds to ask me not only if I would ever consider doing a porno, but taping a porn video with him. I tell him to kindly get the fuck away from me.

I was pretty skeeved and walked home all pissy. I woke up Karly and made her stay on the phone with me until I got home, ripped my costume off, and passed out.

All-in-all, it was an interesting and random Halloween to say the least. It met all of my criteria: hooking up, booze, debauchery—lots of tricks and treats for all. I need to rest up tonight.

I feel like there is more in store for me this weekend.