AUDREY HAS FINALLY RESSURECTED HERSELF FROM THE DEAD, KIDDOS. (And she might have brought a Lily with her, too.)

This weekend was a blast and a half. It was very crazy to say the least. Just to recap: Halloween started on Friday for Lily and I. I spent the whole night with Goggles (nothing happened sadly). But he did take care of me and kept me away from skeez-bags. I know. Cute, right? But as I predicted, I slutted it up as Leonidas on Saturday. But then again, I don’t know how I couldn’t slut it up in a bra and boy shorts. Knowing this, and considering what happened the night before, Goggles did tell me to be “mindful of whom I speak to” aka don’t make out with randoms and expressed interest in seeing me in my costume. I mean, I tried to get him to come out, but he was just too tired… his loss, huh?

Anyway, Saturday started off real classy. I left Goggles’ apartment as Laura Croft at one in the afternoon to come home and basically, transform myself into King Queen Leonidas. Like I said, I was in a red bra and boy shorts, covering myself with a fleece blanket I used as a cape. Of course, I had my helmet and my sword as well as a belt to break up all the red. One would assume that I would be cold given the harsh Chicago weather, but surprisingly enough, after my sixth or seventh drink, I was running around the rooftops yelling, “This is Sparta!”

I met up with Lily who was dressed up as Christina Aguilera a flapper. Stupid Christina Aguilera. Needless to say, she was not allowed to compain about the cold. We made a cameo appearance at P.J.’s (my main gay) boyfriend’s Halloween Bash. As expected it was fab. P.J. was a cute little pirate and his boyfriend was a bride (surprisingly, he was prettier than most girls that I know). Lily and I got a little sauced up and made way to Wrigleyville, which is synonymous with heaven for me–booze, boys, and debauchery. What else could a girl ask for?

Upon arrival, Clark Street was a shit show. Cowboys, Super Mario Brothers, and just drunk people in costumes everywhere. Our first stop was Casey Moran’s. It was max cap for obvious reasons. We were going to go to Moe’s Cantina, but we opted for good ol’ John Barleycorn instead. While in line, I was on the look out for other Spartans, after all, there were 300. I saw maybe three or four. It was safe to say that I was the only girl Spartan and according to the Faux Mechanic in line with us, the best one around. Lily and I get in, and first things first, SHOT TIME!

Then we traversed yonder on to the upstairs part of our favorite bar. (side not: on the way, we saw the coolest costume ever–OPTIMUS PRIME…he transformed and everything. It was really bitchin’.) Once there, we see everything that Halloween in Wrigleyville stands for. Lily and I make our usual rounds and decide to station ourselves on the dance floor. And oh, what a dance floor it was.

We had to fight off a few uglies before we got the fake JT’s and other better looking dudes. So Lily and I dance our little hearts out until we see we are dancing with this nerdy boy. He was hot. So I flirted with him a little bit. And we were joking around and told him to dance with this group of girls. He danced like a jack ass with them and had me stand there laughing and watching while I held his drink. Then some dude bumps into me. Well, if it isn’t Faux Mechanic I thought. We start dancing and eventually making out. Hot Nerd took his drink and let me be. Faux Mechanic excused himself for a second to check in with his buddies and I went to find Lily.

I eventually spot her dancing with Hot Nerd. I dance around them and get scooped up by a penguin–literally. There was a man dressed up as a penguin. We start dancing–more like juking, as the kids say. He’s throwing me all over the place and carrying me. We were pretty much air humping. That eventually lead to making out and him getting a little frisky–reaching underneath the blanket-cape. I had to put him in his place a few times. Somewhere in the midst of all this chaos, I lost half my costume–my belt and my sword were gone. And I couldn’t find Lily anywhere. (And can I drop something in? There are few things more amusing than watching a spartan dance and make out with a penguin. Try it. You’ll love it.)

Penguin and I roam to the left side of the bar and he points to Hot Nerd and tells me that that is his roommate and it looks like he’s trying to get his mack on with this girl. I look closer and realize who that is. I point at her and tell Penguin that that girl is my friend, Lily! Sidebar: Hot Nerd was all up in my shit, despite the fact that I gave him a fake name and told him I had a boyfriend. He tried to make out with me about thirteen times, begged me to go back to his place “just so we can cuddle and give each other back rubs.” Yeah. Because I don’t know what that means. Penguin and I laugh at them and make out some more. Then finally, Lily comes rushing at me, freaking out because she has to wake up in like two hours (aka it’s time to go home). Penguin and I exchange numbers, like I’m ever going to see him again. Lily and I made like bananas and split.

To our dismay, we couldn’t find a cab that was going north right away. It was like three in the morning when we found one going our way. The cabbie takes us to Lily’s and she tells me to just take the cab home. And I’m drunk (as usual) and tell her that is cool. So I tell the cabbie where I live. He conveniently takes me two blocks north and oh, about eight blocks east of my apartment. He refused to take me home. I whip the money at him and called him an asshole. I, Audrey, Queen of the Spartans, walked all the way home in my skivvies, not necessarily cold, but extremely drunk. I was not a happy camper.

When I finally got home, I passed out until about eight-thirty at night. I got up and met up with Lily and her BFF from back home who came in for the night. A super thrilling moment for me, by the way. The bf is a really great grounding experience for me. Her, and the psychiatrist. We had a great time in Lincoln Park. Bartender wanted in my pants pretty damn bad, so we got about $90 worth of drinks for $8. Yes, $8. We got PLASTERED! I was throwing up the whole walk home… and there was some peeing in the alley which I mentioned previously. I woke up and threw up some more. I took the el downtown and got off at my stop and threw up all over anyone at the top of the escalator and into their hearts (I assume of course). I quickly checked myself into rehab (aka went to visit the p’s). I feel much better today. I figure I need a grace period of sobriety for at least twenty-four hours. Tomorrow is the real deal, kids. It’s HALLOW-flippin’-WEEN and I don’t know about Lillian, but I’m ready to go out again and do it big tomorrow night.

Bitch, say my name!