It’s Always Cloudy In Chicago

Like Laguna Beach on crack…

Back to school (for those of us who like torture.)

While Audrey is enjoying the world of big kid status, your little Lily has headed back to school. A semester full of cheery bullshit should ensue… I’m taking some abnormally ridiculous classes, including (but not limited to) Jewish-American Literature, Box Office Practicum and (drumroll, please…) Math for Teachers.

The biggest pile of bullshit there is. This is because I can’t do math to save my life.

Literally.

Unless it’s percentages (I have been waiting tables a long time, and shopping for even longer), I’m fucked. And, they’re making me tutor little kids. It’s a hilarious joke that will end up in the demise of these children’s mathmatics careers. I hope to god they give me right-brained kids. You know the ones: reading big books that should be beyond their comprehension (I got made fun of for reading Lolita… at 8.), usually they’re a little too skinny, and they are really quiet… until they get on a topic they like, then you can’t shut them up.

That was so me as a pre-adolescent. I was a bucket of annoying. And those kids have little to no hope when it comes to math anyways, so there’s really not much for me to fuck up. I can just go with the flow that is a shitty understanding of math… and all will, once again, be good with the world.

So, say your prayers for me (and, especially for the little ones), kids. Your little Lily is back, destroying lives one math equation at a time.

I’ll keep you updated.

So, here’s what I miss.

It’s hard to know you’re going through life, and losing people along the way. Nothing serious… most times, you just drift apart. There’s no screaming, no arguments… no closure. Because, after a moment, you realize that you do miss them.

And you can’t seem to shake the feeling that something’s wrong. Of course, I also miss the ability to eat a meal without obsessing about calories. I miss not having to take a handful of pills every day so that I can convince people that I’m doing okay.

I miss carefree.

I miss happy.

But, in all reality, who am I kidding? I can’t remember the last day that I didn’t feel the way I do now. It’s not so much depressed (and certainly not mania) as it is… numbness.

Listen: I’m in this new apartment.
I’m content. There’s something about paying your own rent, buying your own groceries, drinking your own wine, and watching your own television through your own cable and surfing your own internet on your own computer that just… well, it’s lonely as hell, but I feel really stable.

Soon, I’ll be out of Chicago. I’ve got six more months, and then I’m free.
I just keep trying to remind myself of that, over and over again.

And, I know… everyone hasn’t left me.
I know.

Audrey Loses Her Mojo

I’m not one to brag, but I do get my fair share of boys every now and again. Well… I did anyway. Recently, I have been noticing a sudden change in my approach to the opposite sex. The Audrey that we all knew and loved was boisterous, outgoing, and dog-gonnit she hooked up with anything with a penis (and a wallet). Now, I’m sad to say those days have come and gone. For it seems that I have become shy and boy-challenged.

It’s not that I do not try… well… I guess I’m not really throwing myself out there anymore, but I want to. It’s just that I seem to have forgotten how. This is mostly due to the gay bars that I have frequented as of late (courtesy of PJ). I think I am so used to not having to flirt with boys at said bars. There are hot boys everywhere in the Boy’s Town bars, but I have conditioned myself to not throw myself at them because I know they like peen just as much as I do.  That seems to have carried over to the straight bar scene. I’m trying to get over Goggles and E-factor and the whole gay bar scene is probably not the right place for me to get back into the scene, but I will say those gays love to party.

Another reason is that I think that I have upped my standards a little bit. Is it a problem that I will not even talk to a boy if he is shorter than 5’9″? Is it wrong to turn guys down if they do not wear a suit to work or just because they do not have a job? Trust me. That is for the better–I’ve got expensive habits. Is it bad to just walk away from some dude because every word that is coming out of his mouth is ridiculously boring and he is not good-looking enough to tolerate?

I just want someone cool who will treat me like a princess and make me laugh and all that nonsense. It wouldn’t hurt if he was into comic books and movies and the same tv shows and music as me. It would also be a plus if he had a fat little wallet, sweet job, and knew how to dress. And he has to be really sweet and nice and smart… and have straight teeth, and good hair. It would be best if he was hot… but I will settle for cute if he does what I tell him to do. I hate to say it, but I kind of want a guy like my most recent ex–but hotter and younger (I think that I’m going to stick to guys that are kind of around my age; say– 21-26) AND minus the lying, cheating, and douche baggery. Oh and he has to worship the ground I walk on and think I am just absolutely adorable when I am totally sober and completely wasted. He’s got to be able to keep up with my craziness and he would earn mega-points if he had a car.

Ugh… Why can’t I find a guy? I don’t think my standards are too high. Is it bad that I am looking for someone semi-cool? There has to be someone out there who fits this description.  I think I lost my mojo when I decided that I didn’t want to be the one-night stand girl anymore… and look where that has gotten me?

I’m done with Goggles. But I kind of want to hook up with his friend. I’m done cozying up to the ex. Even though he did confess that I am much more attractive than his new girlfriend (but that was a GIVEN!) and tried to get into my pants– whether or not he succeeded I will not disclose. I shouldn’t talk to Excess Baggage anymore, but it’s just a comfort zone I’m not ready to let go of. And John Cusack keeps calling to hang out. I don’t know how to tell him NO. It’s just easier to avoid it and say that I have other plans.

Ugh. I want a boyfriend, but it looks like I am going on a never ending quest to regain that je nais se qua that I once had that impressed the fellers. Oy vay!

Audrey Wants to Shoop

Well well well… Looks like we have a new year a head of us, kiddos. I’m not going to bore you with last year’s sentiments because I don’t dwell on the past. However, I have come to quite the revelation.I need me some quality man candy–and by that I mean, I think it’s time that I nab me a boyfriend. Being single is fun and all, but I want to be lavished with presents and be taken out on dates. I want to do boyfriend and girlfriend things again. Plus, I’m super sick of paying for my schnizzle.Sure, Excess Baggage wants to get back together and all that, but I’m just not attracted to him. And I’m not saying all of this because I want to date Goggles. There’s a lot of grey area there and I don’t really like it. I want to be with someone that can hang–someone on my level. AND I’m not going to settle either. I want to be for real real– not for play play.So here is the criteria:

  •  He has to be SUPER funny. I need him to be able to make me laugh and I’m anti-serious people. He totally has to be pop culture saavy and random and understand that I’m kind of an oddball that bases her life on 300, Mean Girls, & Zoolander.
  • It would be nice to be with someone who can party hardy just so I don’t feel like I have an alcohol dependency. But he also has to be someone I can tolerate when he is drunk. He’s got to be a fun drunk, not an annoying one.
  • I’m pretty vain so I would want him to be attractive–at least to me. I know, I know. And I need him to be a snazzy dresser because I have to be seen with his ass, but I don’t want him to be borderline gay at the same time. I like blonds… and I seem to attract them, but I do prefer dark haired fellows. 
  • It wouldn’t hurt if he was well-established or even an up-and-comer of some sort. I have expensive tastes (I get it from my mama) so it wouldn’t hurt if he had the power to earn the paper to put in his pocket so that he can buy me the things that I like.
  • Intelligence would also be a plus. I don’t want to be with a dummy dumb dumb. I would prefer someone apolitical and like myself.
  • I would like to date someone my age… maybe 26 at the oldest, 21 being the youngest. I’m sick of dating the waaay older guys.
  • Cocky mother fuckers are hot. I don’t want a whiney bitch.
  • He has to prefer BATMAN over Superman and be into comics. He would get bonus points if he read Watchmen and Wanted.
  • I kind of want someone I can take home to mom, but at the same time he has to be not boring and lots of fun. I don’t want to be embarassed to bring him around my family and friends or explain his situation to people. If my friends don’t like him, it’s done. 
  • I need someone who can move at a decent pace and tells it like it is. I’m kind of over this wishy washy nonsense (Goggles).
I’m pretty much going to be on a never ending quest to find the perfect dude. I kind of just want to date Andy Samberg (even though he does not meet the age requirements). I’ll probably whore it out til I find someone. I’m going to be super picky.
 
I need stock options again. Ugh.
 
Blah. 

Audrey Quits Playing Games With Your Heart

I hate to say it kids, but “good” Audrey is done.

I am so sick of boys right now with their back-back-forth-and-forth-ness. It’s pretty ridiculous. Goggles especially–he’s totally not goodlooking enough to play this game. First, he’s all about me. Then he’s not about me. But, oh wait, he’s all about it bout it when his friend, who from this day forth shall be known as, Wolverine, or any other random guy is all over my nuts.

That’s how he was on Halloween. That is why he kissed me. That is why he texts me every five seconds when he knows that I am with Wolverine or if he is the vicinity.

Is he trying to prove something? He knows that I like him–nay, liked him, but I’m so over his psuedo-Jedi mind tricks. Why is it so difficult for him to show me that he likes me or blow me off if he doesn’t? I am not in love with him so I would not care. I have the bounce back rate of a 2-year-old. Just flash something shiny in my direction and I will be distracted. I am not going to cry about it. There are so many other guys that will wait, oh, less than THREE MONTHS to kiss me. In fact, there are guys who will try to make out after 8 seconds of knowing me!

Also, there are guys who won’t lie about hanging out with his brother just to go have a guys’ night. Yeah, that is what Goggles did. He invited me to watch Da Bears’ game the other day and then uninvited me because his brother was coming over. Then Mark texted me to tell me to come to watch the game at Goggle’s house unbeknownst to him that I was uninvited since his brother was there. What? Who does that?

We all know that I really really really liked Goggles. There is no denying that. I stopped smoking around him. I stopped going to straight bars. I stopped randomly making out with random people. I turned down sex many a time. I did all of this because I thought somehow this would prove to him how much I liked him when I really did not have to prove anything to him at all.

So I am done pretending to be this goody-two shoes for no apparent reason. He only likes me when he feels it is convenient for him. For the most part, that is when someone else is stepping on to “his” territory. And for the record, I am for no man to claim. Thank you very much.

I guess what I am trying to say is this: Audrey is back. None of this pretending to be nice nonsense. No more of this “I like Goggles soo much” bull crap! I am going back to my evil ways and you can’t stop me. I’m going to stop being boring now and go on all the random misadventures that make my life as carefree as possible. Holla! Jammin’ on the one.

Disclaimer: This is a drunken rant. If it doesn’t make sense, it is because I am slightly enibriated.

Lily Apologizes (And Laughs A Little In The Process)

So, here’s the deal, guys. Saturday night, on my train home from the parents’ house, your own darling Lily got tanked beyond belief. Whoever thought it was a good idea to keep serving her those tiny little vodka bottles should be taken out back and shot.

But, yeah. So, that happened. And I, in true form, got a little melancholy. It was a long train ride alone, I was drunk, I missed Christian, blah blah blah. So, I typed… and typed and typed… and came up with what you saw up here two days ago.

Well, I went back. I realized that even for me, and even for my crazy inability to not divulge private matters to the world, that this was a bit too private. I took it down. For those of you who did have to be subjected to it, I apologize. Seriously. I get out of hand, and that’s what comes out.

I sobered up, and I’m okay now. Audrey is putting me on a sober December… we can smoke, but no getting drunk or drug usage, which is the best idea I’ve heard in ages.

Thanksgiving was fun… we had family in from a couple different places (including some quasi-family I had never met before), and your resident vegetarian spent her time mowing on cranberry sauce, potatoes, and pumpkin pie. Friday I spent with Carrie and did the best thing ever.

I went into my old work at home, the place I return to every break and summer time to get treated like a piece of meat while serving the same to assholes who tip poorly, and let them know I would not be returning.

Ever.

And I did this with a Ketel One Diet with lime. It was brilliant. 

Audrey is Smitten

Last night was super fantastical.

I spent the first half of my day working. Apparently, I have a little fan club at work and they think that I’m God’s gift. Normally, that would be an ego boost, however, they’re the creepiest dudes ever. Then I couldn’t find an outfit to wear to Enclave. So I was super stressed out. Le sigh.

I finally found something to wear and Monster-ed up so that I was all chipper and perky when I saw my nearest and dearest at the bar. I was so happy to see everyone one last time before we all parted ways for like a month. It was my friend’s birthday and everyone was there. It was pretty fab. Goggles and Mark were supposed to meet us up there, but their friends didn’t want to pay the ridiculous Enclave cover, but told me to meet up with them later.

So I did the only thing I could do at that point with my premium wristband—drink, smoke, and make out. I was jamming out to Alyssa’s and my rendition of Day Man and falling out of VIP booths; drinking excessively and smoking like chimney. I think I wandered off at some point and made out with some random dude just because he said that I looked like I was Italian (and I do not look Italian… like AT ALL). Apparently, he was really short, but I don’t know. I was pretty hammered.

By the time my premium wristband expired (which was about 6-7 drinks in and at about midnight), Karly and I booked it to meet Goggles and Mark up in Wicker Park. We somehow made it to the blue line (after a few drunk dials) and stumbled into Debonair (where the boys were) in the silly little Urban Outfitters-esque neighborhood. As soon as we walked in, we saw Mark and the friend that tries to make out with me at their booth with Goggles and a few other people.

I flirted shamelessly with their friend that tries to make out with me because a) Goggles was sitting in the middle of the booth; b) Karly was flirting with Mark and their buddy, Tony; and c) Goggles didn’t even give me a hug when he saw me. I was a little drunk and a little pissed.

After about ten minutes or so, Goggles got up and gave me a big hug. He took my hand and led the group downstairs to the crazy little basement of Debonair. It’s all black with a single red light running through the wall. It’s kind of a trip. It is also the first place that Goggles and I really hung out without Mark and where I first realized that I kind of dug him.

Goggles and I were deep in conversation and by deep in conversation, I mean, we were talking about something stupid and making fun of each other and canoodling and what not. We’re pretty adorable. We were kind of in out own little world, but that bubble burst when we noticed Karly and Mark and everyone else we were with were chanting: Make out! Make out! Ugh. How embarrassing?!

It was super awkward. Goggles and I just kind of looked at each other, and he asked me why everyone wanted us to kiss. Of course, I tried to act aloof, but I couldn’t help that I turned beat red. And then it happened–in the midst of my nervous bumbling… 

OH.

MY.

GOD.

GOGGLES KISSED ME! It was sufficiently awkward and kind of silly, but it was so cute. Then he told me that he was going to kiss me last Friday at Barleycorn, but I somehow ran away. For the record I thought that he was falling me, but when I turned around he was across the street. But I was so stoked that he was going to kiss me on Friday! I’ve been smiling ever since.

I know. I am being pretty gay, right now, but come on! I’ve been waiting for him to make a move for three months! Three flipping months! That is insanity. I’ve never waited for anything for more than a week, but I waited three months for this dude to make a move. Ugh. It was so worth it. I guess I wasn’t the only one relieved when he made the move because our entire gang of friends took shots to celebrate.

Now, I’m not saying it was the best kiss in the world and that there was magic and fireworks, but it totally confirmed my feelings for him. He may not be the cutest boy in the world, but I think that he is adorable. And he isn’t the best dancer, but it’s still kind of sweet that he tries. He’s kind of a nerd, but I’m kind of a geek. He is so funny and smart. We have so much in common. Ugh. I dig him!

We kissed a few more times (insert smiles here) and then we parted ways, but when we turned around we found our two friends, Karly and Tony, going at it! AWKWARD! And then five seconds later, Karly confesses that she wanted to make out with MARK! Double awkward. One last kiss from Goggles and Karly and I got on the blue line.

I don’t know what we were doing or who we talking to, but we totally went an hour out of the way. It was the longest train ride home. Ha. But, again, so worth it. I was in my happy place. When Karly and I got to my apartment it was like 4:30 a.m. We had a mini-Thanksgiving feast and watched a little Spice World and crashed.

What a wonderful night? I can’t wait until I see Goggles again. Golly, I wonder if he likes me? I know. I’ll shut up. Mark said that he wouldn’t have kissed me if he didn’t, but I guess that logic is foreign to me since I make out with about everyone. Ha!  So happy.

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